I suck at writing now, I never know what to say. I think about things to write constantly through the day and it sounds so good, and it's all gone when I sit down to type. It bothers me and leaves me feeling defeated at the end of the night because I had wanted to write some meaningful garbage and I end up just summarizing my day.

I woke up late today, to the sound of my phone's alarm going off... my back-up alarm. That means I slept through my alarm clock, which is never a good sign, nor a good way to start the day. I rushed around and managed to eat two pieces of toast and drink a coffee... sadly I had to pick the two pieces of toast carefully as my stupid loaf of bread had gone mouldy not even a week after buying it, because it's been so ungodly hot and humid in this apartment. It worked out, and at 6:45am, Al arrived and drove me to work.

Work was really easy today because the day before I had managed to get everything ready for it, so there was really nothing to do when we got there today except put out the hotel breakfast and bowl of a few salads, and then wait. I used my extra time to completely clean and organize the freezer, as it's been disaster for a long time, and it's impossible to find anything, and it's just a frustrating experience altogether. Allen used his time to clean out the meat fridge, and it looked good too, so at least we accomplished some things and didn't fuck the dog. All while doing that, we kept brunch replenished and Kyle carved, it was a low key day, with nothing of note happening, and before we knew it, it was 2pm and off we went out of there.

Shortly after getting home from work, I made a giant shopping list of all the stuff we needed, and then Bekki and I took the bus to the grocery store... yes... we took the bus like three stops down the street. In our defence, I had just worked all day, it was hot and sticky out, and the last thing I wanted to do was walk somewhere... I just had no energy or desire to do it, so we took the bus, don't judge me. Anyway, we forgot to bring a quarter to get a cart, so we each carried around two baskets each, and it was a terribly stressful and awkward time as we slowly walked around the place, bumping into people and things, and never being able to quite go and get what we wanted without putting down our stupid shit. I started to get very annoyed and claustrophobic and freak out inside, and just wanted to get the fuck out of there... thankfully I asked my Sister to pick us up to help us get the groceries home, and she said sure, so we had a drive home which made the entire trip possible. After we bought our initial stuff, I had to go back in and grab another baskets worth because we couldn't carry it all, but it wasn't that much of a problem, it was just really frustrating because I had to wait in line a second time, and it was hot and uncomfortable and I was in a bad mood.

After getting home, Bekki did the dishes and cleaned the fridge (thank you thank you thank you) and then we put the groceries away together. After everything was in it's right place, I started to prepare dinner, which was this fresh, amazing, juicy chicken breast, grilled, covered in white wine basil cream sauce, served beside great (not to toot my own horn) mushroom risotto, and asparagus, green beans and baby carrots tossed in salt and olive oil. It took a little while to cook because the risotto takes a few minutes, and the heat of the four burners going and the oven on really made me sweat while cooking, but it did taste really good, so it was kinda worth it.

After dinner, I played Diablo 3 until 9pm when Game of Thrones came on, and Bekki and I watched it, as we always do. It was a good episode, and I'm sad to think that there are only two more episodes this season. I'm almost done the third book and it's so fun to see it come alive on the screen, I'll be sad when I have to wait a year to see more. After Game of Thrones, I ran and had a bath but it was a really bad experience for whatever reasons, and I got out rather quickly, and came in here to write this.

For the rest of the night I'll probably try to relax and unwind, try to enjoy some time away from work and school, and feel good. Ben said he'd be on playing Diablo 3 tonight, so I said I'd probably join him if I wasn't too tired, and here I am at the computer, so it just feels like the right thing to do. Gonna grab a snack, get dressed (I'm in a towel), and get my mother fuckin' Diablo on.

I had wanted to write earlier; Twice I had thought to myself, "I will write that tonight", and I looked forward to it, but now I sit here and don't remember anything I was going to write.

I've been playing Diabo 3 during my free time, but I've also been aware of the time spent playing and trying to pace myself, or limit myself, mainly because I don't want Bekki to feel ignored.

I was going to write more, and go into details about interesting stuff, and write really cool things, but now I'm tired, I just wanna eat my snack and go to bed.

Work tomorrow at 7am, drive with Al, coming home and going grocery shopping, then... Diablo 3? Probably!

Writing out of personal obligation tonight, so it's a bit of a struggle, as I don't have very much to say, nothing specific or special, but I suppose I could just go through my day like I most often do.

I woke up at 6:15am or so, later than normal. I remember waking up and thinking I heard my phone alarm - my phone alarm being a last resort backup plan if my clock alarm doesn't wake me up. For whatever reason, I thought it was my phone alarm and that it was 6:20am, so I got up and went to the kitchen quickly because it was so late, and shortly after my phone alarm went off and scared the hell out of me. Anyway, it wasn't so much an issue that I got up late, and I needed the sleep, although the few minutes didn't make much of a difference.

I couldn't sleep last night, for a couple reasons, one being haunted, disturbing visions in my head as I lay down and try to fall asleep. So disturbing that it makes me feel so anxious, and I couldn't lay still, I had to get up a couple times. It was bothering me quite a bit, and I didn't get to sleep until after 1am, leading to only five hours of sleep or less. I felt in in class, that's for sure.

I caught the bus at the normal time, and transfered to an Oxford and got to school around the normal time... usually around 7:45am - get to the class room around 7:50am and sit in my normal seat. It was three hours of DIrectX today, followed by an hour break and then two hours of Java. DirectX is probably the most challenging class we've had so far in the program and it's very complex, very complicated C++. I wouldn't say I struggle, but it certainly takes a bit of time to really grasp a few of the technical aspects, like what constant buffers and then the finer points of C++, headers, separate class files, and so on. It takes a lot of brain power, and if I sit down to do it, but I'm tired or not feeling well, my brain will just spin it's wheels and I really just won't make any kind of progress. So yeah, that's my summary of that class's subject, the class itself is interesting because our professor is engaging, smart, down to earth and very smart. Sadly today, I think the amount of sleep I had last night caught up to me because it was very difficult to pay attention, and my eyes kept closing, and I'm usually excited for the class.

Calen, Mathew and I decided to leave at the end of DirectX to avoid our break, and attend Java via FanLive later on in the day when we weren't so hungry, tired and full of urine. We went to McDonalds for lunch on the way home and then parted ways as Calen drove me home.

I reinstalled Diablo 3 when I got home because I had accidentally installed the European version, and while I was waiting for the install, I fell asleep in bed, for like... three hours almost, so yeah, I guess I was tired. The nap put me in a weird mood and I kind of just floated around not being able to concentrate or do anything all afternoon. I felt kind of sick but also uneasy and uncomfortable. Bekki left for work at 5:00pm, and I decided that I wanted to feel better and not waste my night, and I figured the only way I could do that is if I accomplish something, so I made of list of stuff I wanted to do before I let myself play Diablo 3.

I did the dishes, cleaned the litter, swept the kitchen, cleaned up the clothes in the bedroom and attended that Java class on FanLive (which was essentially a complete waste of time). I tried working on DirectX but was too out of it to be able to process even simple thoughts, so I decided it was best if I put that off for a bit. I played Diablo 3 for a bit then, until around 6:30pm, when I made dinner. I had spaghetti and sat and watched Kitchen Nightmares while I ate, and then read a chapter of Storm of Swords afterward. Once I was done dinner, and my dessert, and went back and played Diablo 3 some more, until the servers went down at around... 8:30pm maybe?

After I stopped playing, I opened my laptop and did the DirectX homework pretty easily, my mind feeling better and everything kind of falling in place. I ran a bath, made some popcorn, and came out to the living room to watch Mythbusters and write this, so now it's late again, and I have class early again, so I really should go to sleep. I know I had a nap, so it's difficult to fall asleep and feel tired, but I really should try. I don't want to be sleepy in class again, it's the worst feeling and defeats the whole reason I'm there in the first place.

Tomorrow I've got no special plans as far as I know, and hopefully school goes well, and I can have a relaxing afternoon. I plan on making mini-panzerotti's, and hopefully all that works out.

Today was a good day, I mean, I was pretty busy, and things kind of went by in a blur, it was over before I knew it, like... I literally most forget what it was like to eat dinner because my mind was so wrapped up around the preparation and reception. On top of my Mom's birthday dinner, it was also the release day of Diablo 3, a game that I may not have talked about much up until now, but it's a pretty big deal, and I'll get into why.

I had school today from 8am to 12pm, three hours of ASP and an hour of Java. ASP is a weird mixture of boring and fun, because the first hour of the class is basically free time to work on the last class's assignment, the professor is available at the front of the room if you need help, and you just work for that first hour. The thing is, I get the assignment done the same day it's assigned, so I never have anything to do for that first hour, and I don't really have any games installed on my laptop, so that leads to some really boring time. This morning I just helped my friends with some programming and that was about it. After the first hour, we walked through the new concepts and assignment, and for the last hour, we had time to work on our assignment, which both Mathew and I completed promptly.

Java afterward is always really boring, the professor means well but he takes forever to discuss even the most basic concepts, and just explains every little detail. It tends to drone on and I get sleepy and it's hard to pay attention and/or not claw my eyes out.

At 12pm, Calen drove me home and I immediately started working on dinner. From around 12:30pm until 4:30pm, I pretty much didn't stop. I wouldn't say it was stressful, but it certainly had my mind racing, and I kept worrying that I had forgotten something. My Mom arrived around 4:45pm and my Sister and Christ arrived shortly after, about 5:00pm and we had dinner at 5:30pm.

For dinner I made chicken breasts stuffed with tomato and mozzerrella, served with a white wine cream and basil sauce, topped with diced tomato, shallot and fresh basil. This was accompanied by mashed potatoes with chopped fresh chives and steamed asparagus, green beans and baby carrots, tossed in olive oil. I put some fresh bread, and garlic bread on the table, and a few pickles (mostly for Lindy and I). Everyone enjoyed the main course... I think, I mean, that was the feeling I got. I know Bekki loved it for sure, because it was the same meal I made when she had told me it was the best thing I'd ever cooked. My Mom liked it, or at least didn't complain, and everyone else ate it. What was most important to me was that my Mom liked it, enjoyed it.. I know it's not what she usually eats, but I thought it was something she'd really like because of the tomatoes, since she loves them as much as I do. It was weird because I was done dinner and didn't even remember eating it, what it tasted like or what the texture was like, or if it smelled good. I regret that, but what could I do. I was so worried that I had forgotten something, or that no one would like it, that I couldn't focus on actually enjoying it myself. I just kept thinking... the potatoes could use a pinch more salt, I wonder if anyone would notice, or the vegetables could've used more seasoning and a bit more oil... Yeah, I'm weird. Anyway, everyone said they liked dinner, so that made me happy enough.

Dessert was another story - well, don't get me wrong, the mocha creme caramel I made tasted pretty damn good, both the custard and the ganache tasted good, but the texture was off, and the presentation was beyond terrible. So I guess my weakness when I cook these creme caramels is that I'm always paranoid that they aren't cooked enough - when I check them they seem too.. wobbly, like they aren't set at all, so I put them in longer, and I guess this time I just left them in too long, because the bottom of the custard stuck to the caramel lining of the ramekin and didn't pop out, instead kind of broke in half, leaving this pile of shit that just looked so fucking bad. I tried too before giving up and served the rest in the ramekin, to be scooped out with a spoon. It was really embarrassing, like I wanted to just hide because I just felt so... embarrassed to the core.

I got my Mom a 16gb keychain usb drive for her birthday because she wanted a way to backup her documents and pictures, and intended to buy a $150 external hard drive and that's just overkill, so I figured this was a good gift. I think she liked it, so that's good, and I lent her another book, the Rachel Dratch biography.

Everyone left around 7:00pm or so, and Bekki amazingly did the dishes (in my defense, I did do the dishes probably four times during the four hours I was prepping in the kitchen), and I went and sat down and played Diablo 3 for an hour or so. Yes, Diablo 3 came out today at midnight, and I installed it in the morning before leaving for school, but couldn't really play it until after dinner.

For those of you who may not know the history, Diablo 2 was a game I have probably played more than any other game (except maybe StarCraft or World of Warcraft). For the most part, it was a game I played almost daily with Ben, creating countless characters and knowing everything there is to know about the game. It was a pretty important aspect of my life, teenage years I suppose, as it kept me close to Ben and was just an amazing experience to continually play the game. Anyway, years went on and the game got older, and new games came along, and Blizzard (yes, Blizzard, the makers of World of Warcraft and StarCraft make Diablo) took their sweet ass time making a new entry in the series, so it kind of got forgotten, kind of regarded as one of those older classics, but not really relevant any more. As I was super into WoW for a long time, when news came out that they were making Diablo 3, I wasn't too exciting, because truth be told, World of Warcraft was basically a spiritual sequel to Diablo, as it uses a lot of the same systems, has the random loot, quests, and all that jazz, so Diablo 3 seemed like a step backward, but.. as I outgrew WoW, it didn't seem like such a bad idea. I didn't really follow the news or anything about the game, but at the same time I didn't have much excitement, only because my laptop at the time would've exploded if I tried to play a game for any long period of time. As I decided to build a gaming desktop, and get a new laptop, my excitement immediately grew, and a couple weeks later (today) the game came out. It had just worked out that I had bought a World of Warcraft annual pass... you basically just pay for a years subscription at once for a discount, and a bonus for buying it, you get Diablo 3 for free, so I've technically owned Diablo 3 for months and months, so I just had to download the installer and I was ready to go this morning.

Anyway... that was a long story, and the point is... Diablo 2 was a very important game, and this has a similar flavor so far, and I'm really excited to play. I can't wait to get home from school tomorrow, finish my homework and chores and just dig into the game some more.

I've got to go to bed very soon, maybe have a snack first, and then wake up at 6am and head to school. Today was a pretty good day, and it was nice to see the family. Happy Birthday Mom.

Today was quite different than what I had planned, as was last night. I had wanted to have today as a day I accomplished a lot, I even talked to my Mom about it, and her response was, "well, you better wake up really early to get it all done" and things did not go as planned. I was hungover, in pain and dealing with things.

I came home dead tired yesterday after Mother's Day brunch, a brunch that went very well (and I mostly ran myself, thanks). I was getting a headache, and I had already created a plan for myself, a to-do list, a list of things I wanted to accomplish to get ready for my Mom's birthday dinner that's taking place tomorrow night (Tuesday). I got asked to go out for a drink and at first I faught it, first I said no. Since I had already set in my mind what I wanted to do, but I gave in and maybe I shouldn't.

It was with Bekki and a bunch of people from work, servers mostly, and I guess it would've been fine if we had just gone to a patio for one hour and then went home, but one drink led to a million, and I'm going to go into it, but rest assured, I certainly drank too much and regret it, regret the entire night. I wish I stayed home and had been myself, had cleaned the house and played a game. I guess I felt bad, I felt bad, and guilty and jealous because Bekki wanted to go but I didn't, and us having completely seperate social lives is not a pit I want to fall into, I don't want seperate social lives at all... I stay at home and she goes out? We'll drift apart, have different interest, different memories, different friends, it leads to nothing good. I did it to be close to her. Maybe I did it becuase I knew if I stayed home, I would feel negative things, feel regretful or jealous or uncomfortable or something, I don't know, it's difficult to explain.

This morning was terrible... I honestly felt like I was dying. It has been a long, long time since I've been hungover beyond just a headache, and this was terrible. I woke up on the couch, freezing, uncomfortable and disoriented. I moved to the bed and rolled around in agony, unable to feel at rest or comfortable. After a long ass time of feeling tortured and insane, I guess I fell back asleep. It wasn't until around 11am or maybe even later that I actually got out of bed.

So there goes my early morning, my early start to my busy day. Bekki made us some of my mushroom soup for lunch with a couple crustini's, and it did help make me feel a bit better, as I really hadn't eaten anything the day before (toast for breakfast and a small omelete at 1:30pm) and beyond those two snacks, I didn't eat all day, drank all night, and then... well, you can imagine. I've felt hungry all day, and I still feel hungry.

After we were up, Bekki cleaned a little bit while I laid in bed trying to feel sane. Once I was up, we were both sitting in the computer room, and I wanted to do something together, so I sat Bekki down and showed her the game Portal... well, I didn't really show her, I just sat her down in front of it and said, "play". That was that, and she ended up playing until like 4pm as I watched. As far as I can tell, she really enjoyed her time, and will continue to play.

At around 4:30pm, we walked to the grocery store and grabbed some things we needed, as it had been about a week or so since we had gone at all, which is longer than I've gone in forever. It kinda sucked going because I was so dehydrated, but we needed the stuff, so it was worth it I suppose.

Since we couldn't watch Game of Thrones last night because we were out, tonight we're having our 'date night', and that'll start in a few minutes. Gonna make some popcorn, turn the light out and enjoy the show. I have school in the morning, so I've got to get up at 6am, and I look forward to a good nights sleep.

Oh yeah, it's worth mentioning that tonight at midnight (well, midnight Blizzard time, so 3am here) Diablo 3 comes out. I've already got the installer downloaded and ready to go, so I just need that switch to flip and I can play!

It's that time again, to sit down on the couch and write. To turn on the TV and try to relax, and get all the thoughts of out of my head so I can feel at rest. It's like writing the thoughts down in here, in this little box, makes them go away in my head, to give me some time alone, some time to actually unwind. If I don't write them down, they circulate, go round and round, drive me crazy and never stop flowing.

I am very tired, but I haven't let it effect my ability to do things, or think straight. I guess that's why I'm writing now, instead of laying on the couch in a coma. Let's get to it then, shall we?

I woke up at 6am today, and wanted nothing more than to lay my head back down on my soft pillow, and drift back off to sleep, and I tried, I reset my alarm for ten more minutes, and tried my best to forget the fact that I had to wake up and go to work in a few minutes... but as everyone knows, time seems to speed up when you are yearning for those few extra minutes of sleep. I turned off the alarm and rolled out of bed.

I am out of breakfast food. Well, more specifically, I'm out of bread for toast or bagels for bagel and cream cheese, and that's what I eat for breakfast. There may be cereal but I just don't really eat it in the morning, and if I had to eat the cheerios, and I'm sure I would enjoy it, I'd prefer if I had a banana to put in it, and I just used them all to make banana bread, so essentially I was waking up to having nothing for breakfast. I disappointingly toasted two pieces of whole wheat wonder bread, which... isn't thaaaat bad, but kind of disgusts me, just the taste and texture... you know, like 2/3rds of a food. I covered it in honey and had a coffee with it, so it wasn't so bad.. a bit dry, but what are you gonna do?

I got in my cab at 6:35am and started work shortly after. Work was good, again it felt weird to go back after five days away, but I remember what I was doing fairly quickly and worked fast and efficiently. I got a lot of stuff done, very quickly. I put out breakfast, did soups and quiche (a very tasty mushroom, bacon and cheddar), made mousse and got them ready for the dinner, and then got Mother's Day brunch ready. I left work at 3:10pm and took the bus home.

Once home, and saying bye to Bekki on the street (Yes, that's how much time we spent together today) I did the dishes, cleaned the litter, and then made dinner. I had a small chicken caesar salad and a beef and broccoli stir-fry. Afterward, I worked on some homework... DirectX homework, drawing a bunny on the screen with polygons, and I finally got it working after some intense frustrations and stress. It was bugging me a lot, and it felt so good to have it work. It's not 100% done but very close, and I'll finish it on Monday.

Afterward I tried to play some games but felt restless and not comfortable enough to lose myself, so I just ran a bath instead, listened to some morning stream, and now I'm writing this and watching Community. I'm going to make some popcorn, watch Kitchen Nightmares, finish a chapter of Storm of Swords I'm in the middle of, and then go to sleep.

I work tomorrow at 7am and will be getting a ride with Al. We have 250 people in for Mother's Day brunch and it's going to suck. I'm most likely going to be stuck on the buffet at a carvery all day, and I'm not looking forward to that.

I would like today to be a good day.

Today was not much different than the day before, school was tolerable but overall boring, and the second half of the day left me feeling uninspired and unenergized and lethargic. I didn't accomplish much, nor did I feel good about anything I was doing, and overall it left a bad taste in my mouth.

We managed to make it through almost all of our longest school day - From 8am to 3pm is when we are supposed to be there, but half way through our last class, a three hour marathon of GUI Development, we were so unbelievably bored, the second the professor left the room on break, we packed up and got the fuck out of there.

The discomfort I feel when I sit at home not quite feeling like myself comes from the fact that I know what it feels like to be at home and to feel relaxed and enjoy myself playing games and reading and cleaning and organizing, and sitting and feeling uncomfortable and useless is that much more painful. Doing the same things, but getting completely different results, this is what upsets me. I come home, make lunch, clean up, play a game, and sometimes I feel amazing and it is so relaxing and rewarding, and other times I feel restless, useless, annoyed and low. I wish I could pinpoint the causes and I know that a lot of it random, or probably is random, but still... I want consistency, routine... just... no more ups and downs. Ah well, things as a whole have been great, and I don't talk about it enough, and only focus on the negative, but I really shouldn't be complaining. I will try to write a more positive entry tomorrow.

The evening was nice... after Bekki got home from work, I had a bath, Bekki had a shower, and then we had a date. We watched Zookeeper, which was a family comedy, and it was pretty good, pretty funny. Nothing too complicated or anything you had to think about, but it was light hearted and fun, so it's exactly what I had wanted it to be.

Tomorrow I have school at 12pm, so I get to sleep in for the first time this week (define sleep in...). I have school until 3pm, and so I should be home around 4pm, and I can have dinner and another date with Bekki. I'm predicting a nice evening. I then have the weekend to look forward to... Saturday opening, and Sunday is Mother's Day brunch, so that'll most likely be a nightmare.

I'm gonna go read in bed now, cause... that seems like a good time.

I feel like shit, and not in the normal way, not really. I feel physically... grimey, greasy, uncomfortable. I feel tired and uninspired. I did my homework and all, but beyond that I haven't done anything and the nights almost over. I didn't clean up, I didn't really play any games, I didn't read... nothing. Just an empty night and it's left me feeling useless.

On top of all that, I tried to sit down and work on my book website, but found myself completely lacking any ideas, inspiration or excitement, and stopped without doing much. I want the site and it's functionality, but have no ideas how to make it look or work well, no excitement or inspiration and I just can't do anything without it. Maybe something will just strike me randomly at some point in the future, but I really think I should put off working on it until then because it just depresses me.

School was alright today; Bekki was kind enough to give me $5 to bring along so I could get some Tim Horton's during class and/or during break, which would be much needed as I was at school from 8am to 2pm, with an hour break. I ended up grabbing a coffee and a couple donuts around 10am, and didn't eat again until I got home. I had Java for two hours and DirectX for three, both were fine, but DirectX was actually pretty fun, pretty interesting, doing things we haven't done before in a fun, interesting and challenging way. I look forward to that class, and look forward to the things that we'll be doing.

When I got home from school, I was starving, so I made lunch. I heated up some of my vegetable soup and had some garlic baguette with it. It wasn't the biggest lunch but it was getting late and I didn't want to ruin my dinner (little did I know, I would do that myself). I did all my homework (some DirectX C++ and a small Java class) and read a chapter of Storm of Swords before Bekki had to leave for work, leaving me to my own devices. I had no energy, and no desire to do anything, and I don't even really remember much of my night.

At some point I made chicken stir-fry for dinner, and it was terrible. I didn't enjoy it in the least, I sat there eating it just surprised with myself about how little I was enjoying it. I don't usually mess up meals, but man, I just... it just wasn't good. It made me feel even more uncomfortable and uneasy than I already did, and I suppose it was the perfect way to secure a shitty night.

I didn't do dishes, or clean up, or play games, or do any of my normal routine. I didn't do anything, or feel like doing anything. It was terrible, and I feel terrible.

On an unrelated note, I took a sleeping pill last night because the night before, the first day of school, I laid in bed unable to fall asleep and it was really crappy, and I just wanted to avoid that, so I did, I took a sleeping pill and fell asleep instantly, but I could feel the effect of the pill all morning, until I drank my coffee at home and then an extra large coffee from Tim's later on, and it wasn't until after that second giant coffee that I actually felt normal awake, and that's terrible when you are trying to learn. Feeling your eyelids want to close, and I feel like it was entirely the pills fault, so... I think I'll go back to avoiding taking them.

I think that's it for tonight. I may try to read, and then go to sleep... I'm not sure what else to do. Bekky is at work, and has worked every night and will work every night, and that's not a bad thing, she needs the money and thats life, but I do miss her. It sucks that we rarely see each other, and rarely get to do anything of fun, like play Final Fantasy or watch a movie or a show. Ah well, this won't be like this forever, and it's not terrible, just this week specifically is pretty shitty as far as that goes.

Today was the first day of fourth semester at Fanshawe, in the Computer Programming Analyst program, and I'd say it went well. I started off the semester on a good note, doing the homework in class, and finishing it once I got home before doing anything else (besides eat lunch). While the work for ASP.net was due on Friday, I wanted to get it done right away, because it wasn't a lot of work, and there was no reason to put it off, and I want to get back into the habit of completing work as soon as possible and never putting anything off unless there is a really good reason to. The only reason I didn't complete the work in class is because I had to wait to install SQL server until I got home, so I could follow an instruction video, just to be sure I installed it properly for the class. Also, the Java professor assigned us non-marked homework, sort of a refresher exercise and I did that as well, just because I knew it wouldn't take a long time, and again, there was no reason not to do it. So because of those things - because of the way I handled the work today, I think I started off right, and will try to carry this enthusiasm and eagerness forward, and hopefully it will continue.

So I woke up at 6am this morning ... I think, I don't really remember the morning, having only gotten five hours of natural sleep. I couldn't fall asleep last night no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't tired, I was thinking of school, and more disturbingly, thinking of Storm of Swords as I had just read a chapter that really... bugged me, pissed me off, upset me, so I was thinking about the story while I laid there. It wasn't until at least 1am that I finally fell asleep, and it was uncomfortable and hot, stuffy... I rolled around a lot and couldn't breath and all that fun stuff. Anyway, I got up, made coffee, had a bagel and cream cheese and read the PA forums while I woke up, eventually leaving to catch the bus at 7:00am.

The trip to school was pretty uneventful. I met Mathew downtown and got on the same bus, and sat together. About halfway there, Matt got tapped on the shoulder and it turned out Rachel had been sitting behind us the whole time, she just didn't notice because she had fallen asleep. She was a member of our elite group (our fourth, whom we've never replaced) but she didn't like the program and switched at the end of first year. It was nice to see her, and gave us something to talk about on the bus ride. We arrived at school with twenty minutes to spare, but just walked to class regardless, got our seats (the same seats we always sit in, in that classroom) and got set up for the day.

I gotta say, my new laptop is a pleasure to use in class. It's silent, like.. completely silent. It runs cool, and gets the job done. I'm quite happy so far, and I hope that continues. Today I had ASP.Net for three hours, and then Java for an hour. In ASP, we did the normal first day stuff, went over the outline and marking and what the class is going to be about, and in the second hour, we started our first assignment kind of thing. Basically doing our first exercise and lab (each worth 1%) and then started set up for our first case study (which will be worth a lot) and then the last hour and a half was given to use to work on the stuff. I used the time to complete as much as I could, got SQL Server off Calen and waited to install it once I was home. I had finished all my work with forty minutes still to go until Java, so I just sat around bored, downloading games with Steam to copy over to my desktop once I got home.

Java was very basic, very easy. We went over the basics of GUI and designed a very simple, blank JFrame. It didn't take long, and before we knew it, the class was over, and Calen drove us home.

When I got home, I was really, really hungry, and had a craving for a bunch of different things, so I started making lunch right away. I made a mushroom, red onion and cheddar omelete, with toast, coffee and a bowl of tomato vegetable soup. It was great, and so much better than the omelete I paid for the day before. Filled with thick, flavorful mushrooms, not burned or seared... the soup was still great, overall it was a wonderful lunch... sometimes I love cooking.

After lunch, I sat down and finished the work that we got in class. I installed SQL server by following the instructional video. I finished the ASP work, took the screenshots and submitted them to the dropbox for my 1%, and then finished writing my Java class. After I was finished, a giant wave of tiredness hit me, and I just couldn't do anything but lay down. I turned on Mythbusters and laid down on the couch. I fell asleep for an hour or two, woke up with a headache, a sore back, feeling super hot, feeling stuffy, feeling sick to my stomach. Laying down was the worse thing I could've done it appeared. It basically ruined my entire day, as I sit here I still feel the headache and sickness that I woke up with. By the time I woke up, it was about time for Bekki to go to work, sadly another day where we don't get to really see each other.

I spent some time playing Borderlands and WarCraft 2 (that's right) and eventually made dinner - meatloaf, mashed potatoes and broccoli. It was pretty good, and I watched Mythbusters while I ate. After dinner, I played some more games, did the dishes, and made some banana bread, played Blue Dragon and just had a bath.

To add to my discomfort, all day I've had this pain in my nostril, like.. it feels like I have to blow my nose or something but there is nothing there and it's irritating and painful and distracting and making me very uncomfortable... I have no idea what it is or what caused it, but I hope, hope, hope that tomorrow I wake up with it gone, because I don't think I can sit through another day of school constantly pressing against my nose to stop the pain/discomfort.

I've taken a sleeping pill to avoid the same problems I encountered last night, so I'll just watch some TV and most likely be asleep within a half an hour.

I am having a lot of fun playing Borderlands on my brand new PC, maybe more so because of how long I've had to wait, or the added satisfaction of having built the PC on my own, or knowing that I've got the game running at complete max settings and it's silky smooth, but regardless, I am having a lot of fun, and could spend a lot of time just sitting here, getting lost in the world. I'm also enjoying Blue Dragon, a dangerously simple RPG for the 360 written by the original creator of Final Fantasy and 'main dude' from Final Fantasy 1 to 9. I suppose to summarize, I'm enjoying my game playing lately, and it's nice to relax, or it's a good means to relax I guess.

Today was an active day, a day filled with travel, accomplishment, anxiety and... feeling... uncomfortably aware of the fact that I wasn't at home. Bekki and I got up and checked out computers for a bit, but eventually agreed to go and try to get my Ontario Photo Card identification. Yes, after probably six years or so of having misplaced my ID, and knowing I should get it replaced, I finally did it. I'm not entirely sure why, mainly because it's just a good idea to have, and it'd be nice to be able to pick up my own beer and wine, and there are the occasional 19+ concerts I'd go to, but overall it will probably be rarely used.

We caught a bus to downtown and transfered onto a Dundas, and rode it all the way down Dundas, almost to Argyle mall. The trip is a terrible one, driving directly through the shitiest parts of London, filled with dirty, stinky, terrible people. I hate that specific bus route, and always have... it hasn't changed at all.

The trip to the service center was easy enough but we did have to wait a bit. I should be receiving the ID in the mail within two weeks. Afterward we went to a diner next door for lunch, and I had an overcooked mushroom omlete, but it was food, so... I ate it.

We walked to Argyle mall from there, just missing the Wavell that would take us home, so we went to Wal-mart and looked around. We grabbed a collapsable table, a puzzle (a set of 10) and that wasted enough time for us to catch the next Wavel home.

The trip home seemed to take forever, Bekki slept on my shoulder as students kept getting on the bus and filling it. It was uncomfortable and all I wanted was to just be at home. Once home, Bekki had to leave for work within the hour. My night was pretty low key, but that's the way I like it. I had a chicken caesar salad for dinner, cleaned up the house a bit, did some laundry, read some Storm of Swords, played some Blue Dragon and Borderlands and just relaxed. I just had a bath and think I'll play a little bit of Blue Dragon before reading in bed as I try to get ready to sleep.

Tomorrow is the first day of school, fourth semester, fourth of six semesters, so I'm half way. I'm not that nervous but anxious to get it over with. I'm sure it'll be fine...

Maybe I'll just write tomorrow... Sunday brunch, frustration and yelling at work, grocery store, burger and fries for dinner, headache and naps, Game of Thrones and Girls, and now games and putting off sleep. Good times? Sure!

Although I felt fairly good all day, sickness wise, I sit here at home, a time I could relax, and I'm starting to feel worse and worse. I've started to get a very noticeable scratchy throat, so much so that it's impacting my ability to feel comfortable at all... and I just sit and think about it and wish I was comfortable. On top of that, it feels like I need to sneeze at every second, and I'm just overall restless.

I feel nervous. Not just about the fact that it feels like I'm getting more and more sick, rather than getting better with each day, but also about school. I have nightmares about school... not Fanshawe specifically, but the idea of school. The... process, or perhaps the independance of college. They almost always take place in high school, and the nightmare usually revolves around me not knowing where my locker is, or not being able to remember my combination, or maybe what year's locker or combination I should be remembering, or maybe it's the nightmare where I can't find the classes I need, or that I realize late into the year that I had registered for a class but never went to it, or skipped it too often and don't know anything. These are the most common recurring nightmares that I've been having in the last few years, and I kind of feel that same fear looming over me in the last few days.

I think the real life fear centers around my new laptop. What if I don't get the correct software installed in time, and the classes move to fast and I fall behind because I don't have Office installed, or don't have SQL Server running properly or with the right database, or maybe I don't have Boost installed and it's crucial for everything we're doing. These seem irrational, I know that, but I just feel so nervous about it. I've been thinking about it a lot in the last few days, and I can't even do anything about it early because I've already gone over my Rogers bandwidth allowance for the month, so I can't download these programs ahead of time. Well, looking at the dates given on the Rogers website, I may be able to start on Monday downloading stuff. I would like to have Boost installed and SQL Server 2008 installed, and Eclipse, so that all I need to do is go to the IT office and get Office 2010 installed and I should be all set right? See... if I explain it to myself it all seems okay, but I can't shake this feeling of dread, this impending doom that floats over me.

Work was easy, although it felt a bit weird going in after so much time off. I handled breakfast easily, was ready for lunch very early, and spent the afternoon getting tomorrow's brunch ready. I left on time, at 3pm, and caught a bus home. Work tomorrow is from 7am to 3pm, and Al should be driving me in the morning. It should be a pretty standard Sunday, and I don't forsee any issues. I think I'll try to drop by the grocery store for snacks after work, and then try to enjoy my afternoon/evening.

Why do all country musicians have to wear cowboy hats when they're not out in the sun that often?

Yes, I already wrote today, as you could see if you scroll down a little bit, but I figured I would write a little bit as I waited for this sleeping pill to kick in.

I was feeling really energetic, like... really A.D.D., walking from room to room, not entirely sure what to do or what would hold my attention. I knew that creating a sort of to-do list to control what I did and when I did it would help me relax, so I simply challenged myself to play a specific list of games for thirty minutes a piece. I sat down and played Blue Dragon, Borderlands and then Final Fantasy 13. I enjoyed the time, and did feel quite a bit more relaxed than earlier in the evening.

I think I'm just going to try and read some Storm of Swords while waiting to get tired. I work tomorrow at 7am, so I need to wake up at 6am and take a cab. I'm not sure what is happening at work but Saturday's are generally the same... I come in, do breakfast, and then set up for Sunday. Usually pretty simple, and I can basically get away with just doing that, even when I know I could be doing more, or at least feel like I could be doing more, so I usually feel guilty if I leave and didn't really help out beyond breakfast and brunch, but... it's more than most do, so... I really should get out of that frame of mind.

I'll be opening again Sunday, as I mentioned in my last entry, and then school starts. I feel nervous about everything, and nothing. There isn't anything specific that has me nervous, but I feel it in my stomach, I feel the anxiety and restlessness. I'm scared of something, and I don't know what, and that's usually the worst feeling.

I've been letting my writing slide over the last month or so, and it creates this sinking, guilty feeling in my stomach. I know I should be writing more, and I know that I'll regret my lack of writing in the coming days, weeks, months and years, but I've been finding it easier and easier to just put it off, or just not feel like it, and that's dangerous, as it seems to be somewhat of a slippery slope. If I'm busy playing a game at night, or reading, or watching a movie with Bekki, chances are I'm not going to stop what I'm doing to sit down and write, but I think I probably should, or at least start trying harder, because the last thing I want to do is fall into another blackout period where I don't write for a few months and that period of my life isn't recorded. I need to turn this around and get back on track, start recording my day to day life, so I can bore myself in the future!

Today is the last day of my so-called vacation, not a I'm Going Somewhere vacation, rather just a week off from work so I can try my best to unwind and be stress free before having to start school again next week. Things didn't go exactly as planned, although there were positives and negatives to the week, it wasn't really what I had in mind truthfully. I didn't read as much, nor did I play the specific games I thought I would, I didn't garden as much as I thought, and I didn't do my chores as often as I should. I did end up getting some new computers, playing a lot of Borderlands and Blue Dragon, as well as getting a pretty annoying and physically exausting cold on the first day of my vacation. All added together, it made for a pretty good week off, and while I may not feel like I accomplished as much as I had in mind, I think it was time spent well.

Monday morning, the first day of the vacation, is the day I woke up with a cold. A scratchy throat, completely blocked sinuses, that wonderfully terrible feeling of irritated and sensitive skin due to raised temperature... what a way to wake up and start what I thought was going to be a relaxing week. My cold kind of took over the first two days of the week, spending both days in kind of a stupor, sitting on the couch mostly, putting off doing chores because I felt so bad, so stuffed up, headachey, dizzy... I sat on the couch and watched Bekki played Final Fantasy X, or played Blue Dragon myself. Don't get me wrong, those activities are fun, were fun, will continue to be fun, but it wasn't what I had in mind, and I was just barely comfortable, feeling quite out of it. I would've loved to read more, or even had been more active around the house, but I just didn't have the energy for it, I couldn't motivate myself or feel good about getting up and moving around.

It was Tuesday evening that I had talked with my Mom about my laptop situation and with the fact that school was coming quickly. I won't get into the details but basically after talking we decided that it would be a good idea if I were to get a new laptop for the new school semester, mainly because of how hilariously destroyed my HP has become. With the side of the case broken off, the heatsink exposed and the fact that it runs so hot and so loud (so loud that you literally can't hear the prof from where I sit). We talked about how buying a laptop for gaming is kind of silly, considering a desktop pc can do it so much better, and the added stress of trying to run high end games on a laptop will do nothing but shorten it's lifespan and overheat or damage it's parts. We somehow decided it would be best if I bought a cheaper (not cheap by any means, but a non-high-end laptop) laptop, and also bought a higher-end desktop for any and all gaming purposes, and only use the laptop for school related work. I was surprised, to say the least, about the encouragement I was recieving, almost excitement. I spent Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning obsessively going over every part, every detail, every convievable aspect of both computer builds, and Wednesday afternoon, Bekki and I went out, and started shopping.

I had literally spent hours upon hours obsessing over parts lists on various websites, trying to figure out the best combination, and how much I was willing to spend. It almost got to the point where it was unpleasent, the amount of time and attention I was spending on it, but I couldn't help it. It paid off though because I had a list of all the parts I needed. We took the bus to Oxford and Richmond, stopped at the bank a few times (for both of us) and had lunch at Wendy's, and then made our way to Canada Computers, where I simply handed the girl my list and said, "I need these." and I also asked for a cpu cooling system recommendation. I bought the CPU, the motherboard, the cpu fan, half of the RAM aaaand, that might be it. It was about half of the cost of the rig though, and I put the parts in my backpack, and we made our way home to wait for our second half to begin.

I had asked Calen if he wanted to pick up computer parts with me, a polite way of asking if he could drive me I guess, since walking home with that much crap just isn't realistic, and it would be fun to have Calen around while we talk computer parts too, so I knew it would be fun. He picked us up around 4:30pm, and we drove down to the south Canada Computers (about a two minute drive from my house), and I picked up the second half of my list. I had walked out of the store with everything I needed to build the desktop computer, and due to credit card limits (and timing), I would have to wait until the next day to pickup the new laptop I had picked out.

Once home, Bekki and I made a wonderful chicken stir-fry, but I was eager to build the desktop, so I pretty much started right after dinner. It took most of the night, and Bekki helped me when she could. Everything went smoothly, and I purposly went slow and carefully, taking my time, reading instructions and not cutting corners. It wasn't until about 11pm that we were finally done. It was time to bring it in to my computer room, plug it in and see what happens when you hit that power button... possibly the most stressful few seconds of the entire experience, because this is the time, the time you send actual electricity through it, that something could go terribly wrong. I plugged it in, hooked up the peripherals, and pressed the button. We encoutered two problems. First, the cpu error light turned on, on the motherboard, which mean something was wrong with the cpu. Turns out I had forgotten to plug one specific plug into the motherboard, so that was an easy fix. I just plugged it in, and turned it back on. This time it worked, but BIOS warned me that the cpu fan wasn't working! It was, but I didn't have the fan plugged into the right pins, so BIOS thought there was no fan, and it doesn't like that, so I opened the case and switched it so it was hooked up properly. Turned it on again and everything worked, it gave the normal error message of not being able to find a boot device.

I pressed the button on the DVD drive to open the bay, but it didn't respond... the light was on but nothing was happening, and even the emergency pin-hole release didn't do anything, so I turned it off and played with the cords, discovering that the power cord wasn't in as tight as it could be. I plugged it back in, turned it on and voila, worked. I put in the Windows 7 DVD, installed Windows and everything has been perfect since.

Here are the specs for my new desktop gaming rig:

CPU: Intel i7 3770 3.4Ghz 3rd Gen 22nm
MOBO: Asus P8Z68-V Pro/Gen3
RAM: Corsair 16GB DDR3 1600
HDD: Seagate Barricuda 1TB 7200RPM 6Gb/s SATA
GPU: MSI 1GB GeForce GTX 560
KEYBOARD: Razer Blackwidow Ultimate Backlit
MOUSE: Razer Naga
MONITOR: 25" Asus 5M:1 LED Screen

The next day we made our way back to Canada Computers to pick up the laptop I had them put aside for me. The night before, my Mom had told me that the credit card company coincedentally offered to raise the credit limit on my Visa, so she called that night and doubled it, thus making it possible for me to go out and pick up that laptop. I grabbed a really nice laptop backpack while I was there, because I was severely unhappy with method of transporting my old laptop. I would place it inside a large laptop bag, and then put that laptop bag inside a large backpack, and then place the cords in the second section. It was annoying and time consuming taking it out and putting it away at the start and end of class, and this new backpack will be lighter, easier to manage, and hopefully, quick to unpack and pack up during class. The laptop is an Asus, a brand that I have confidence in as far as quality and confidence, and I feel good about my choice. Here are the specs for the new school laptop:

Monitor: 15.6"
CPU: Intel i5 2.4Ghz 2nd Gen
RAM: 6GB
HDD: 640GB
GPU: GeForce GT540M 1GB

I didn't really have to do a lot to set the computers up, at least not yet. I've installed Visual Studio 2010 on both computers, and tried to find a way to get my Fanshawe copy of Office 2010 but couldn't, so I'll need to visit the IT office during the first week of school to borrow their DVD to install it on my laptop. As far as getting it for my desktop, I'm not sure if it's possible at this point. I would need to pirate it, and find one that activates and works properly. I wish I could remember how I did it last time, because I feel like I pirated it at the start of last semester but I honestly don't remember. Other than that, I've got the desktop setup to work on web development, grabbing Dreamweaver CS6, Filezilla, and Notepad++. The majority of my time on the desktop has been using Steam though.

The thing that really stuck in my head when building this computer was the game Borderlands, strangely. It's not the most technically demanding game, nor is it new or anything, but I had always wanted to play it, and on my old 'supposed' gaming laptop, it would overheat before I could get to the first save station, every time. So playing the game was impossible, and I always wished I could, so my goal, the one thing that stuck in my head was... I want to play Borderlands with all the settings maxed, have the experience be silky smooth and hiccup free, and have the CPU stay cool. The first thing I did was install Steam and start downloading Borderlands, and I spent a lot of the day playing the game, all the while keeping the CPU at 35C (to compare, my laptop would overheat at 100C, which it did, frequently). I downloaded a few games I thought I would like to play, or at least give a test run, so I downloaded Half-Life 2, Orcs Must Die, Costume Quest, StarCraft 2 and World of Warcraft, as well as the predownload of Diablo 3 (a game which I'm now surprisingly excited for, since I can play it properly).

I did spend awhile with Borderlands, really enjoying it. Finally being able to play it, it lived up to what I had hoped it would be, which is a kind of first person shooter Diablo-ish game. Quests, randomized loot, and satisfying shooting, can't really ask for more. While I did load other games, set up their video settings, and try them for a few minutes, Borderlands was the only game I spent significant time with.

As far as the new school laptop goes, I am feeling quite stressed out about the software side of things, specifically having it all installed and set up properly in time for assignments for school. I'm not 100% sure that I need all the same stuff as last semester, but I'm assuming I will, and that means I'll need Boost installed for VS2010, SQL Server (but the right one, and set up properly) and working version of Office 2010, and the pressure to set it up all properly, and maybe I might forget something... it feels like it's pressing on my chest and I can't breathe, but I'm sure it'll be okay. Boost was kind of hard to install, but everything else wasn't very complicated I don't think. I'm going to put off installing it until I'm in school and know I need it, mainly because I can then steal the schools bandwidth to download the apps that I need.

Here it is, Friday afternoon - almost Friday evening, and this holiday is coming to an end. The time went by very quickly, too quickly if you ask me. I open at work tomorrow, so I can't stay up late tonight, and then work the weekend, Monday off (I hope) and then school begins on Tuesday. Monday will be my last chance to get ready for school, and I should probably try to make a list of things I should do beforehand, but nothing is jumping out at me, besides perhaps copying over my last semesters folders from my old laptop to my new one, but that's not really important.

I'm going to think about dinner soon, and then spend the evening reading, playing games, playing PC games, and trying my best to feel at rest and relaxed, before I have to head to bed fairly early, and go back to work for the first time in five days. It's been a crazy, almost surreal few days, and hopefully things will start to feel normal before too long.